December 6th 2012

Written December 6th 2012
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It all started with a conversation, not anything lengthy or even decision orientated.
Just a chat with a friend, which turned out to be my falling point.
The subject of our "talk" was God, we purposed that our belief's 
were based on how we grew up. And how if we grew up Muslim,
we would believe just as strongly in Muhammad Ali.
So how could we know that it was really true?
"That everything our parents taught us growing up wasn't just a bunch of Bullshit?"
"Why should we live how they live, when they are so clearly unhappy with their lives?" And "how can all Christian's be going to heaven when a lot of them have completely different standards and belief systems then others?"
From that day on my belief's became the question in my life, instead of the answer that they had been before.
My thinking process slowly distorted and it brought about change in my emotional life... At first I was happy, I was so happy to be free from the guilt that embedded itself into my skull every night... But then everything drifted.
I slowly stopped believing that God existed, my hope for the future left me stranded, my love for life faded into a dull gray, and I became lost in my own confusion.
So trying to sort it all out, I looked for the answers. 
Answers to the hidden questions deep in my heart.
I looked, but I couldn't really see through everything going on around me.
The search was in vain. I tried to find love with shallow relationships,
 but soon realized I needed something real to hold on too.
I began smoking marajuana and drinking a couple weeks ago and I enjoyed thoroughly but there was still something missing.. It really did help keep my mind off everything though and I was thankful for the mood brightening qualities it possessed. The last time I smoked weed was yesterday, it made me really sick for several hours and I've sworn off the stuff since... Still unhappy today, I was beginning to think true happiness didn't exist.
Well my Mom drug me to Youth Group tonight, and something about it just brightened my mood, it was like I'd been living in the dark and I saw just the smallest spark, and it just shot joy through my whole body. There was hope.
I was enjoying myself for the first time since we moved...
I think I am finally ready to except again that God really does love me.I think I will start over, and let God set my boundaries, not me, not my friends, and not even my parent's. I am my own person now, and I am choosing faith.